Tag Archives: cowboys

So there I was…..

tonehhhhh

I woke up about 30 minutes before the Packer game this morning and almost shit my pants ’cause I thought I was gonna miss kick off. So, I got up and got dressed real quick to run downstairs and see if I could catch any fucking weird shit during the pre-game NFL Network. I’m pretty sure Michael Irvin snorted up some cocaine before he made his picks and Jimmy Johnson looked like he was thinking about killing himself after choosing his. I mean, after fucking 10 billion years of being attached to the NFL, I’d probably feel the same way as Jimmy. Michael probably just snorted the cocaine to keep from killing himself. Time to grow some balls and quit, boys, there’s more than just football out there in the world. Arm yourself to the teeth.

Then kickoff happens and I’m scanning. Of course, Dallas doesn’t even make a first down and now I know why Irvin was the only one who didn’t choose the Packers as the winning team…. Oh wait, it’s because he was a wide receiver for the Cowboys and has this gang mentality ingrained into his mind — can’t function in normal society, so becomes sports analyst. Of course he’s gonna pick the Cowboys every time, even if he doesn’t want to.

So, Packers gets the ball and the lovely, talented, and sexy Aaron Rodgers just hands the ball to the 2nd year rookie, Devante (that’s how you actually spell it) Adams and the ball just slides down the field. And my dearest dear makes the touchdown pass to hand the ball off to the Cowboys again. It didn’t even seem like Rodgers really cared about getting the ball down the field because he knew Dallas would underestimate his wittle wide receiver, and Donald Driver protege, Adams. It’s all a mind game, isn’t it?

I noticed that penalties were called on the Cowboys for holding three times in the first quarter and it wasn’t until the last 2 minutes that a pass interference was called on Packers’ Tramon Williams. The dude was literally just running forward and the flag was thrown; the ball wasn’t even headed for the defensive player who they claimed was interfered. I couldn’t help but think that Jason Garrett handed the ref a few hundreds before the play started to call any penalty on the Packers he could. It’s like tipping the waitress. Man, Cowboys, you need to put the reigns on your coach ’cause he’s making you guys look like you can’t win a game unless it’s paid off.

Then the second quarter starts and I’m thinkin’, “How come I haven’t caught any of those facemask calls on the Packers who I know have had some penalties that weren’t called?” and as I’m thinking that, another flag is thrown on the Cowboys for offside. Jesus, McCarthy must have made more investments than Garrett, or maybe he does less heroin. Now, I’m trying real hard to pay attention to the Packers’ defense (no point in trying to pay attention to offense, too busy thinking about Aaron in his spandex), and I can’t help but notice that the cameras aren’t showing any of the players except for the ones who are in the direct vicinity of the ball. So then I’m like, “Alright, gotta pay attention to offense now. Hmph.” Same shit. NFL must have gotten pretty pissed that we noticed that Dallas facemask penalty against the Lions last week. “Adjust the cameras! We can’t have our games called by anyone else except for our NFL henchmen! Give ’em more dope!” — NY Bozos

Packers get the ball again and Aaron misses the snap. Wat? Dude, he didn’t even say “hike,” what kind of long snapper ARE YOU, GOODE?! Did McCarthy hand you a bonus check or did he threaten to kill you if you didn’t make the snap too soon? Probably threatened to kill you if you didn’t take the bonus check; that’s how it works, isn’t it? Aaron looked pretty upset about this whole snap-too-soon, sack-to-fumble fiasco so I was thinkin’, “It’s ok, darling, just remember that one time we met at the beach in San Diego and you told me I was the most beautiful woman you’d ever seen. Hehe.” We grew up in Wisconsin together. 😉

Anyway, I’m sending him all of this positive energy to make up for that shit, ready to look for some more weird shit then I get a phone call from one of my buddies. I drop everything and answer, but I scold him for taking my attention away from the Packers. He laughs and tells me that what he has to tell me is more important than Aaron Rodgers in spandex. I’m like, “Dude, what’s more important than that?” Then he goes on to tell me that some females are lighting me up for the seventh chapter of Heroin Disbursement and the War on Society, saying that what I said happened couldn’t have possibly happened and that there’s no way I survived that kind of torture — that the story was made up and what-have-you. Thanks man, that is more important than Aaron Rodgers in spandex. (No offense, dear. ❤ Pun intended. ❤ )

Now I’m not paying attention to the rest of my beloved Packers game to make this message totally and completely clear: if you have not served in the military, you do not know the first thing as to what goes on in that institution. You cannot even begin to fathom the amount of abuse that active duty and veterans suffer… Especially if you’re a female. So, go on your pathetic little life and keep on thinking you know it all. You go ahead, get your hair, nails, and botox did while sitting around like a little fucking shit waiting for what the next thing your network tells you to spew out of your pretty little mouth. I got a few things I’d like to stick in it too.

In fact, I’d love for you to send your thugs to threaten me so I can turn the camera on and show Cpl Kerkman kill mode ’cause God only knows that you’re too fucking scared to even show your own goddamned face…. That’s if you can even find me, and you won’t, but even if you did, you still wouldn’t show your face ’cause that’s how much of a coward you are. Like I’m the only Marine who suffered that shit.

Shit, if you were a real journalist, you would try to find other Marines who suffered the same abuse and write a fucking magnificent masterpiece about it. But you’re not a real journalist, and you can’t write. Even if you were ambitious and courageous enough to do something like that (like Jesse Ventura: Navy SEAL ❤ ), the Marines wouldn’t talk to you ’cause you’re a fucking nasty, insolent bitch. My Marines love the shit out of me, and you’ll find that out soon. Go worship Satan some more and maybe he’ll give you some more advice on how to be a complete and utter goddamned failure. I hope you get what’s coming to you, and I hope you suffer the same abuse that I did ’cause you deserve it and you wouldn’t survive it, whore.

Also, in case you didn’t notice, I made your ass chewing into a Gonzo sports piece. That’s what real writers are able to do. Plus, I know you didn’t notice ’cause you’re a fucking retarded female who doesn’t think that the NFL matters in society. So much for what you know. Haha, absolutely fucking nothing.

PS: I’m not concerned about Chair Force talking shit. You guys gotta torture Marines ’cause your own fucking nasty selves can’t handle torture ’cause you all look like steamrollers. Lol. Fuck you.

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NFL: A Corrupt Racketeering Scheme (Just like Hollywood)

lion$

Having listened to an all day Sergeant-Staff Sergeant Half Time Report every day during football season for four years, I’ve come to learn a lot about the NFL corporation. I like watching football, but I often have to look past the fact that every game has some kind of payoff to some official which makes the individual players suffer even more than they do when they’re not on the field. I’ve come to notice little things that affect the players on the field psychologically that football fans look past due to the intensity of the sport.

I took it upon myself to watch the Lions @ Cowboys game yesterday, but the amount of corruption just in the first half pissed me off so much that I couldn’t watch it anymore. I thought, “Lions got this, they’re already protesting.” Then I come to find out this morning that the obviously paid-off refs make a controversial pass interference call which gave Dallas the ball and lead their “win.” I couldn’t help but laugh as I read NFL officials defending the league against Lions fans saying that they’re “sorry for the ‘incompetence'” of the refs. Yeah, sure, incompetence. We all know the shit was rigged. It’s kind of like when the Green Bay Packers had 8 points of contact on the ball against the Seahawks in 2012 but somehow the Seahawks got an interception. It was at that point in time that I stopped watching football for a while.

Now, I have a soft spot for the Lions because the Lion is King and He reigns; this is a team embedded with rookies who play as if they’ve been in the league for 10 years. They take the shit and throw it back in the other team’s face with no regrets. I noticed after the first penalty was called on the LIONS (receiving) after #WHOGIVESASHIT on the Cowboys had a grossly apparent facemask penalty which allowed for the tackle of the punt receiver that wasn’t called because it happened before the receiver caught the ball and Dallas would have to re-kick. Now that I think about it, that call would have made the clock run out before Dallas could have made that “winning” play. This was in like the first 5 minutes of the game. I almost stopped watching, but then I noticed some things that made me keep the TV on:

The first thing was the change of the home-away jerseys. This kind of psychological mind game inhibited by the “controllers” in New York is a little detail which changes the entirety of the game. You have players that have been wearing their home jerseys at home for years, then you change it around and you have a different mindset of both the home and the away teams. Not to mention the fans who come to their home stadium to see the away jerseys on their favorite team’s backs and cheer twice as hard. I could tell after not watching the game for a few years the change in dynamic of the whole stadium. Fans were cheering harder, getting more pissed off, and I even noticed more fighting in the stands.

After the facemask penalty was not called, the Lions started doing something interesting which made me laugh and love the Lions and Matthew Stafford’s pretty face even more: they stopped caring about penalties. I noticed the influx of penalties which changed the numbers on the clocks and their field position which they overcame. In case you didn’t notice, the Lions were playing for their own player stats vice the stats of the entire team — as they should. Their coach was fucking pissed but that didn’t seem to phase them. Stafford threw the ball out of bounds when he didn’t have any guys open rather than getting sacked and risking an injury; his receivers and linebackers improvised the plays rather than running in their straight NFL 2K3 lines which gave them a better field position and made up for their penalties. I was like, “Damn, this is my favorite team.” I’d never seen anything like it before. Anyone with the Lions on their fantasy teams must be pretty happy.

Then I started thinking about the amount of fines these players and/or the team was going to have to pay in these penalties, and NFL sponsor commercials came on. It all comes back to the money and contracts. The controllers in New York distribute the contracts, the players sign them, and now they’re under control of NFL corporation conglomerates and their corrupt corporate sponsors. But they make it seem like they have some control over the money that they’re getting from their sponsors except for the fact that you see Peyton Manning in every fucking NFL commercial known to man. It reminds me of my lovely Brett Favre being used as an NFL martyr for corporations during the time that his wife had breast cancer. I always thought, “Man, do they give this man any time to see his wife?” Nope. How are any of these players supposed to have anything close to a decent home life when they’re always on the road and always being told to go here or there for some press conference, appearance, interview, etc.?

And THEN, Joe “Buttfuck” Buck has the gal and the audacity to call out Matt Prater (Lions field goal kicker) for “violating” the NFL substance abuse policy which got him suspended for 4 games. He probably incurred a lot of fines and had to deal with the suffering of the abuse that he got from the sports media. Let me just make a wild guess here, based off of real life rather than sports media-propagated facts: Prater smoked weed. So, the players can take Armstrong-esque steroid shots, but if you smoke a joint to calm the pain of years of football playing stemmed from early childhood — you get punished. We can’t have our football players smoking weed and being belligerent! If I were the Lions’ coach, I’d tell ’em all to go out and get a pound each, chief on that all week til the next game. I’d say, “If you haven’t smoked a pound of some sticky icky by next week’s game, your fine will be an out-right SPANKING! And 21 Marine Corps push-ups.” I wonder what would happen if all of the Detroit Lions got suspended for 4 games! O=)

But, don’t worry about the players. They love football and get paid millions of dollars to play it, all you gotta do is sit in front of your TV, root for your favorite team, and laugh as Manning hums the “Nation Wide” jingle as he’s eating a fucking sandwich. I think that commercial says a lot more about the life of a pro football player than any other commercial out there. Here’s some advice: if you love your NFL teams, stop buying the apparel and stop showing up at the games. I think it’s about time for a fan-protest due to the way these guys get treated. They get treated like prostitutes: traded, used, and abused. Time to say “Fuck you, NFL.” Let’s get back to the basics.


Evil Conduct = my favoritest Oi! band of allllllll time, Cock Sparrer a close tie for 2nd. 🙂

Fun Fact — Take it or Leave it:
I saw Buttfuck Buck outside of Barnes and Noble right after I got out of the Corps. He came up to me, a whole 5’3″, MAYBE 160lbs, he said, “You’re a sports writer.”
“What in the hell are you talking about? Who the fuck are you?” I responded, and now my senses were tingling.
“I’m Joe Buck.”
“And…..?”
“So, I’m a famous sports broadcaster.”
“What the fuck do you want?”
“I just wanted to come to tell you that the Lions are going to lose, and they’re going to continue to lose.”
“Good for them, why should I care?”
He smiled a creepy smile, “‘Cause if you write about it, I’m gonna….” then he frowned with a scared look on his face as I reached into my purse for my knife, “Wait, I shouldn’t say that.”
“Shouldn’t say what? Did you really come here to threaten a Marine, not just a Marine, a fucking CORPORAL in a fucking Marine Corps town?”
He walked away hurriedly as some Marines started to crowd around the scene I was making. I yelled at him, “That’s what I thought. Go back to fucking Los Angeles or wherever the fuck you came from you nasty little fuck.”

And that’s when we named him Joe “Buttfuck” Buck as I walked to my car with a handful of fellow Marines staying back, waiting… =) I’m sure he had a rough day that day before he went back to the nasty little rock he climbed out from.

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