Butter vs Margarin: Who Gives a Fuck?


If Butter and Margarin were in the UFC having a magnificent battle in the ring and I was the only viewer, ESPN Ocho would lose all of their ratings and money. Namely because it would be the most boring fight in history and I wouldn’t even turn on the TV to watch it. But for some reason the American populace is obsessed with watching the Butter and the Margarin fight as if one group of society is either side. Jesus. Someone please help the United States.

An art dealer at a sophisticated gallery in Laguna Beach found out I was a writer, so he came up to me and asked me, “So, which is it? Margarin or Butter?” I thought at the time that this was an artfully posed question, so I replied, “Neither.” He then ran around, destroyed some beautiful paintings and sculptures. I had no idea that such a response would trigger the kind of blood-crazed mania this son of a reptile found himself in.

“WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?” he screamed.
“What does what mean?” I replied.
“Well, I don’t like either of them. I prefer vegetables.”

Then I thought this guy was gonna kill me. He stomped up to me, and put his hand on my shoulder: an obvious attack on my life. Before I even knew it, he was sprawled out on the bloody floor with multiple wounds located in his abdominal area. Turns out I killed the fucker and didn’t even know it. That escalated quickly. Never thought anyone would wanna kill me over some margarin.

It is as if I was actually supposed to be writing about margarin and butter. What? I thought this fucker was an art dealer. Why is he so concerned with butter and margarin? Does he mix them in paint? Does he smear them all over his body like Country Crock, take pictures, and submit them to Art Daily? What is this obsession? If the entire United States is engaged in a writing frenzy about butter and margarin, we are in some deep trouble.

On my ride back home from this place, I started to wonder, “Hm. Which one is it? Why was he asking me about these things? Is it a metaphor? Or was he just buggin’ out on some heroin the owner of the gallery made him shoot up?” Indeed, for what is the metaphor of margarin and butter? Some people eat them on sticks. Some people just unwrap the shit as if it’s the last thing they’ll ever eat and shove it in their mouths, choking profusely as the chemically-induced shit is the only thing they eat.

Here’s the thing: if you have to choose between butter and margarin, you’re losing the battle. If someone put a stick of butter, a stick of margarin, and a carrot on a table and told me to choose which one I would live off of for the next week, I would choose the carrot. As should you.

Thank God music knows a thing or two about this.

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