The Auditor-Z


The reason why it wasn’t a real audit is because the chairmen thought I was a private accountant from Wall Street. They literally handed me a big stack of papers with no numbers on it; they were threats saying that if I didn’t leave that I would be killed. My Master Guns and I thought it was pretty funny that they thought I was a private accountant ’cause of how pretty I am, when, in fact, I was a United States Marine. Then Master Guns swoops in like a motherfucking ninja, yanks the threat out of their hands and makes three copies of it. Original (that’s for Dan), copy for the court, copy for me, and copy for my chain of command.

I got ahold of the papers they wanted me to “audit” and realized that it was the same database system I used at work every day. I argued with them that the papers they handed me were shit with no legitimate information on it and that in order to conduct the audit, I would need to use the computer. They told me I wasn’t allowed access to the computer, so I whipped out my CAC, grinned, and said, “Yes I do.” But they still wouldn’t let me use the computer. My Master Guns threatened them with a lawsuit via Congress; we were both going to e-mail our Congressmen so I logged into a computer anyway and it’s MY fucking computer from when I was a PFC that I submitted an IT ticket for and it never got returned. We both laughed. Hard. They said WRQ Reflection wasn’t installed on that computer so we could use it to e-mail our Congressmen. Alls I gotta say is LOL! It was installed, they just didn’t know how to use it.

There are different WRQ Reflection database systems, but all of them are the same. Basically, if you have access to one database with your ELSIG and SEED, you can get into them all. Checks and balances, you know, where they at? Master Guns says, “Print out the Reports, Kerkman.” I says, “Aye Master Gunnery Sergeant.” Yo. The error report was so fucking big that I was gonna have to get assigned PTAD orders in order to work them and it took over a thousand sheets of paper to print them out. So, we got authorization to run the audit in our little office on Camp Pendleton. Let me give you this comparison: the error reports in my office were anywhere from ONE (1) page to TWENTY (20) pages long, and 20 was on a bad day. People got their asses chewed by my section if there were 20 pages. So, my Sgt, Sgt DG, and I spent two fucking weeks auditing the FED and fixing their shit. And it only took two weeks because we had to complete our other work on top of completing the arguments for our own audit (which was fucked up too).

Then, right before my Sgt and I were done with the audit, the errors appeared in the system again. Hm. How convenient. You wanna know why those errors popped up again? It’s because when you fix the errors, the system automatically adjusts the monetary amount for every government employee you fixed the numbers for. There are different types of errors, and all of the errors on the FED’s reports were 699’s. A code 699 is a special payment which is made when a MBR misses a paycheck. In the Marine Corps, we run the 699’s with a code 2, which automatically adjusts the MBR’s monetary balance so he doesn’t go into debt. If you run a 699 with a code of 3, the monetary balance is not automatically adjusted. All of the 699’s had an error code of three. So, what did my Sgt and I do? We ran a DEL 699 on every single one which put the Congressional employees so far into debt that they didn’t know what to DO! Literally, they didn’t know how to fix the “problem” so they said they were “working on a budget.” Send in the Marines!

So, you wanna know why the government was shut down in 2013 and Congress couldn’t “come to a decision” so they punished everyone else instead? It’s because my Sgt DG and I fucking ruined their days by yanking their paychecks. The President wouldn’t sign anything because THEY WERE TRYING TO PUNISH MY MARINES AND I FOR FOLLOWING THE FUCKING LAW! He wouldn’t talk to Congress because he’s fucking Commander in Chief and he’s the one who assigns punishments for Marines. He wasn’t gonna punish us. That’s what’s up. I’m pretty sure they even tried going to the Commandant too…. who takes orders from the President…. REALLY?! It’s hard for me to believe that Congress thought they could go behind the President’s back and try to get the fucking Commandant of the goddamned Marine Corps to punish Marines for doing their jobs (not to mention we received awards for the work we did).Talk about ineptitude. I guess that says something about how Congress operates, doesn’t it? 🙂

Integrity. Sgt DG and I, we’re mighty gritty. 😉 Don’t thank us! Thank the Marine Corps for letting us join!

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