Excuse me as I spill my guts here, taking a break from the politics for a minute:
Sometimes break down and wonder if I should, in fact, stand in defiance against the recall to active duty. As the days go on and the integration into the civilian world goes by, I often wonder what I’m doing being released into the wild amongst animals that do not understand who I am or where I come from. It’s hard when you go to the grocery store not knowing if someone’s gonna get pissed at you for no reason, thereby putting their own lives at risk because you’re not sure what you’re going to do. I can’t even go to the fucking grocery store without being afraid someone’s gonna set off my survival mechanism and have themselves a bad fucking day. Sometimes I’d rather take the demotion and restriction just to be around Marines again.
I just gotta keep on reminding myself that before I’m a rifleman, I am a woman. So, I have to look into my eyes and remember the side of me that loves to love, take care of, teach, and mentor children and loves all animals. I like to wear pretty dresses and put on my bikini to head down to the beach. I think it’s fun to try on different clothes in the mirror like I’m in a fashion show (lol 😉 ) and dance around to Aerosmith, The Ramones, SPICE Girls, and Devo in my underwear. I fucking love to cuddle like it’s nobody’s business, like, cuddling is my business and you’re invited to the cuddle party. Cuddling knows no boundaries. I’d fucking cuddle with a goddamned polar bear 🙂 . I love being held and told I’m pretty ’cause sometimes I forget I am. Then man says, “Woman, stop being silly. You know you’re the prettiest woman on Earth.” then I say, “You really think so?” then he says, “Of course baby girl.”
And I start remembering all that stuff then I see beyond and back into the past, down the rabbit hole of all the men who didn’t treat me like the lady I should be treated as, the ones who thought all I was good for was sex but forgot that I’m man’s best friend. During deployment, I incurred a cognitive brain damage where I shut off all emotions and could not distinguish between the emotions of the people around me and made it hard for me to remember certain things; it’s a survival mechanism. This damage made it nearly impossible to tell if someone had real feelings for me or not and I was left at the mercy of the man I married, hoping and believing that he loved me. Turns out all he wanted was a steady military pay check… I really loved him and it sucks that I fell into the same trap as every other Marine out there: manipulation for the shitty amount of money you earn because it’s “guaranteed.” Working in finance, I saw the worst of the worst of civilian females using and abusing my brothers in arms — I never thought it would happen to me, but I didn’t understand that my brain was not functioning as an emotional woman, but as a combat-hardened Marine.
Luckily for me, I had/have real friends and my extramarital affair ( ❤ ) to help me with this and I loves them. Then I start thinking about all of the friends who never really gave a shit about me and it hurts ’cause I treat everyone who I consider a friend as my brother or sister. I had a mental breakdown last year (which helped me realize a lot of things about myself) and I had expected that two people I considered my best friends would be there for me but they weren’t ’cause they’re fucking stupid females who just followed me, hoping they could be like me one day. One attempted to sleep with my husband and the other did just to get coke ’cause she’s a nasty piece of shit. You can’t be like me, bitches, it’s impossible. Then I wonder, “Why do I even bother with females?” the answer is that I don’t. Which sucks ’cause I sure do love women as much as I love men, but I’ll just save all that love for Joan Jett ( ❤ ) ’cause she deserves it.
So then I’m thinkin’, “What’s the point? Why don’t I just go back in?” It was easier for me to live in the Marine Corps ’cause I had expectations that the people around me could live up to. Out here, nobody does. I’m finding it hard to leave the Sanctuary to go to the Festival of Fools ’cause they’re all fucking fools. But then I realize that I’m just sitting in my Bell Tower, having to remember that I’m not just Quasi , but I am also Esmeralda STILL WAITING (but also dancing for) for fucking Phoebus! Phoebus is at the Festival, so I guess I’ll have to leave the Bell Tower sometime. He’s gotta come get me first though. T_T
Oh yeah, and The Hunchback of Notredame is my all time favorite Disney movie. I used to love The Emperor’s New Groove, Lion King, and The Road to El Dorado, but then I saw some weird shit in the movies that made me not like them anymore. MIGUEL WAS SUPPOSED TO GO BACK TO SPAIN WITH CHEL cuz he saves her from El Dorado and whatever. FUCK Julio. They should have sacrificed him to Xibalba. Oh yeah, and Xibalba is the Mayan version of Satan and they were all having this big festival for him and giving him presents and shit so, yeah, fuck that movie. It used to be my faves but hells no. It should be called the iRoad to El Dorado. At least all those fucks got trapped in there. Send ’em to Xibalba.