I feel the Caliber of your love too. 🙂


Excuse me as I spill my guts here, taking a break from the politics for a minute:

Sometimes break down and wonder if I should, in fact, stand in defiance against the recall to active duty. As the days go on and the integration into the civilian world goes by, I often wonder what I’m doing being released into the wild amongst animals that do not understand who I am or where I come from. It’s hard when you go to the grocery store not knowing if someone’s gonna get pissed at you for no reason, thereby putting their own lives at risk because you’re not sure what you’re going to do. I can’t even go to the fucking grocery store without being afraid someone’s gonna set off my survival mechanism and have themselves a bad fucking day. Sometimes I’d rather take the demotion and restriction just to be around Marines again.

I just gotta keep on reminding myself that before I’m a rifleman, I am a woman. So, I have to look into my eyes and remember the side of me that loves to love, take care of, teach, and mentor children and loves all animals. I like to wear pretty dresses and put on my bikini to head down to the beach. I think it’s fun to try on different clothes in the mirror like I’m in a fashion show (lol 😉 ) and dance around to Aerosmith, The Ramones, SPICE Girls, and Devo in my underwear. I fucking love to cuddle like it’s nobody’s business, like, cuddling is my business and you’re invited to the cuddle party. Cuddling knows no boundaries. I’d fucking cuddle with a goddamned polar bear 🙂 . I love being held and told I’m pretty ’cause sometimes I forget I am. Then man says, “Woman, stop being silly. You know you’re the prettiest woman on Earth.” then I say, “You really think so?” then he says, “Of course baby girl.”

And I start remembering all that stuff then I see beyond and back into the past, down the rabbit hole of all the men who didn’t treat me like the lady I should be treated as, the ones who thought all I was good for was sex but forgot that I’m man’s best friend. During deployment, I incurred a cognitive brain damage where I shut off all emotions and could not distinguish between the emotions of the people around me and made it hard for me to remember certain things; it’s a survival mechanism. This damage made it nearly impossible to tell if someone had real feelings for me or not and I was left at the mercy of the man I married, hoping and believing that he loved me. Turns out all he wanted was a steady military pay check… I really loved him and it sucks that I fell into the same trap as every other Marine out there: manipulation for the shitty amount of money you earn because it’s “guaranteed.” Working in finance, I saw the worst of the worst of civilian females using and abusing my brothers in arms — I never thought it would happen to me, but I didn’t understand that my brain was not functioning as an emotional woman, but as a combat-hardened Marine.

Luckily for me, I had/have real friends and my extramarital affair ( ❤ ) to help me with this and I loves them. Then I start thinking about all of the friends who never really gave a shit about me and it hurts ’cause I treat everyone who I consider a friend as my brother or sister. I had a mental breakdown last year (which helped me realize a lot of things about myself) and I had expected that two people I considered my best friends would be there for me but they weren’t ’cause they’re fucking stupid females who just followed me, hoping they could be like me one day. One attempted to sleep with my husband and the other did just to get coke ’cause she’s a nasty piece of shit. You can’t be like me, bitches, it’s impossible. Then I wonder, “Why do I even bother with females?” the answer is that I don’t. Which sucks ’cause I sure do love women as much as I love men, but I’ll just save all that love for Joan Jett ( ❤ ) ’cause she deserves it.

So then I’m thinkin’, “What’s the point? Why don’t I just go back in?” It was easier for me to live in the Marine Corps ’cause I had expectations that the people around me could live up to. Out here, nobody does. I’m finding it hard to leave the Sanctuary to go to the Festival of Fools ’cause they’re all fucking fools. But then I realize that I’m just sitting in my Bell Tower, having to remember that I’m not just Quasi , but I am also Esmeralda STILL WAITING (but also dancing for) for fucking Phoebus! Phoebus is at the Festival, so I guess I’ll have to leave the Bell Tower sometime. He’s gotta come get me first though. T_T

Just waiting for this, then happiness will ensue:

Oh yeah, and The Hunchback of Notredame is my all time favorite Disney movie. I used to love The Emperor’s New Groove, Lion King, and The Road to El Dorado, but then I saw some weird shit in the movies that made me not like them anymore. MIGUEL WAS SUPPOSED TO GO BACK TO SPAIN WITH CHEL cuz he saves her from El Dorado and whatever. FUCK Julio. They should have sacrificed him to Xibalba. Oh yeah, and Xibalba is the Mayan version of Satan and they were all having this big festival for him and giving him presents and shit so, yeah, fuck that movie. It used to be my faves but hells no. It should be called the iRoad to El Dorado. At least all those fucks got trapped in there. Send ’em to Xibalba.

The end.


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2 responses to “Reenlistment

  1. mskatydids

    Please read this…seriously.

    And if you’re feeling as though you need further inspiration, try this on as well

    I know you won’t be disappointed 🙂

    • Thank you! Sometimes you need a kick in the ass from someone else to remember just how shitty it is being in the military. I guess my state of mind when I wrote this post was thinking that anything would be better than this world out here. =/

      The military institution itself is corrupt, violent, and oppressive, but the individuals that serve are mostly not. Well, in the Marine Corps the corrupt ones get dealt with whether it’s on or off the books anyway. The Navy is a whole different story, though; I hurt for my Corpsmen brothers all the time. I was lucky enough to have a chain of command who looked out for me even against own members of my AND their chain of command. It’s hard not having my Sgt by my side all the time…. I didn’t even feel this homesick when I went to boot camp. Camp Pendleton is my home. Lol. Maybe sometime I’ll write about an incident that happened with me in my unit that was so unbelievable, the officer that wrote the charges against me got charged for lying. LOL!

      The ones who do not have this kind of support have all of mine. The key is to lean on those who you know you can trust, and you can tell who those are by their actions and not their words. This sailor is pulling the conscientious objector status which is your best option when being in the position he is. When paperwork gets thrown at you, throw paperwork back at them. My favorite was to write my Congressman cuz theys can’ts punish you for e-mailing your Congressman. Then punishment for your chain of command goes from the Top down, and they don’t like that when no repercussions can be assigned. ^_^

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